- Remember that clarity and
details will just ruin the problem solving process for us. Whenever you post
with an engine problem be sure that you don't give the year, make or model of
your vehicle. This is exactly the sort of challenge we were looking for when we
woke up this morning.
- Stop whining about poly motor
& transmission mounts. Yes, they transmit engine vibes but if yer butt is
that sensitive & tender then sell the Jeep to someone who'll drive it &
get a hemoroid cushion for the seat of your new Escalade!
- Change your leaky injectors.
No... they won't get better all by themselves.
Yes... we will laugh when
your rig burns to the ground after being told to fix them.
- No, we won't do research for
you to see if a hub cap will work as a spacer for your throttle body just
because you happen to have found one in your uncle's crawlspace.
- POST IN ALL CAPS!!!!!!! USE
LOTS OF EXCLAMATION MARKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS SHOWS EVERYONE THAT YOU
REALLY MEAN BUSINESS WHEN YOU POST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Answer every post you come
across with a vaguely useless answer you heard from someone who was told that
somebody had an uncle who's buddy's brother had a Geo that did the exact same
thing... only different.
- Tell us about the time you went
to the local 4wd store and the counter guy acted like you were crazy just for
wanting a body lift for your XJ. We love that story.
- Post your question on 50
different forums hoping that someone will eventually give you an answer you
want to hear.
- Refuse to even try the search
engine. After all, it's only there to annoy you. Better to just ask the same
question that seven other people have asked today (just to be sure). After all,
your Jeep is blue and that probably affects the answer.
- Stickers DO increase
horsepower and torque.
- The best answer is one you
have to guess at or have no experience with. If someone asks about an
electrical problem, just make up an answer! Tell them to "Replace the relay". If they ask why their motor is
running rough; tell them to "check the air pressure in
- If your truck breaks down and
leaves you stranded... Just start another thread titled simply "HELP!". Make up
something useless like, "I had to walk 38 miles home
through lice infested sewers after some lady flipped me off as I was wheeling
though her vegetable garden." Say anything so long as you omit any
mention of your truck or what happened to it.
- We're not too bright. Only
post easy questions like: "My truck is making a noise.
I can't figure out what it is and it's driving me crazy! What's causing
it?" Don't describe the sound or where it's coming from... Extra
words just make questions too hard to answer.
- Yes, people have bought that.
- Yes, people have done that.
- Yes, people have broke that.
- Yes, people have been there.
- Yes, their shipping is
- Yes, that is a very, VERY large
pic of your stock Jeep in your sig. If bandwidth was lift, that pic would net
- No, we are not impressed. They
aren't either. No one is.
- It's called mud. Some people
even get it on their Jeeps.
- Those are rocks. Some people
have been known to go over them and not around them. This includes gravel
- No, we will not give you a
detailed parts list for an exact 4.9822349478772201" lift with all the
- No, we also will not promise
you that your lift will ONLY be exactly 4.9822349478772201" and never, ever,
EVER sag by even .000000000000001".
- No, we also won't call every
parts house on the planet just to give you the name of the one counter guy in
the universe who'll give you the cheapest price for one lug nut.
- Jump on the bandwagon whenever
someone who's never done something starts telling someone else how to do it...
take welding, for instance. Sure, you've never welded a thing in your life but
don't let that stop you from doing a complete metalurgical analysis of
someone's welding job using a fuzzy picture posted on the internet. (And they
said you lacked vision.)
- Yes, F-150 coils will net 2"
lift up front on an XJ. Yes, they're $50 cheaper new than those used 3" lift
coils you just bought. Yes, they're stiffer than stock coils. Who
- Post as many questions about
the latest 'fad' as you possibly can. Sure, you actually have no intention of
putting a 10-ton dump truck bed on your CJ-7 but that shouldn't stop ya from
asking for a complete 'how-to' from 30 other people who haven't done it
- Post a twelve page series of
pics of your pet hamster sitting on the dash of your rig doing cute, fuzzy
4-wheel drive type things. This will attract all the Jeep chicks who've been
searching for a manly stud just like YOU.
- Post pics to show us all how
cool you are just by installing some 130 watt retina burner headlights... ya
know, to match those dumbass cock-eyed foglights you leave on 24 hours a day
while 'wheelin' around town' because you're just so f'n cool. Even better,
after you put the headlights in; don't aim those either!
- Show us those pics of yourself
in traction again! Ya know, the ones where someone pulled your stupid ass out
of your truck and beat the f*ck out of you for causing a wreck with those
lights you were too lazy to aim.
- Don't ask for details! Just
assume that any problem another post describes will be solved by whatever fixed
your truck; after all if one truck misses because of a bad spark plug... -ALL-
misses are caused by bad spark plugs! If someone says they found oil in the
driveway... assume that they're just as stupid as you are! Tell them they must
have "...left the drain plug off when changing
oil." We marvel at your genius.
- Lecture everyone on how
evil they personally are
for not running a catalytic converter while you ignore the pollution produced
by the f'n factory that makes the darn things. (Not to
mention the strip mines that produce the platinum...) Remind
everyone without a cat how they are single-handedly and solely responsible for
whatever the Sierra Klub has programmed you to believe this week. After all,
God bestowed you with your supreme intellect in order to let the rest of the
world know how badly it needs to kiss your ass. Hold real still while we line
up and tie our laces.
- Once a month, restart that old
thread about removing both swaybars and tell everyone again how it "Handles just fine...'" without either of them.
Ignore the advice of others who have done it and reinstalled them. Later, post
pics of your trashed rig after you roll it swerving to miss a deer while
offering to sell lift parts off of the remains cheap. On second thought, go
ahead and remove both swaybars...
- Remember that all problems can
be solved with a big f'n hammer. Take this actual example -
"You've got a bad fuel
pump.... for sure! try hammering on the gas tank with a rubber mallet and see
if it starts after that." For more effective repairs; Keep your
forehead directly in line with the rebound arc of that rubber
- whenyou post be sure to
omitanycoherence and donotuse
punctuation and Only RaNdOmLY capitalize
letters since big letters use more electricity
or notat all
besure to throwin an odd paragraph or two for no apparent reason change
subjectsOften and include details totally unrelated to the question like there
is cheese on my Muffler
so it then allrunstogetherintoanundecipherablemess
indicationing you thought you were asking asifyou were asking a question
asifyou thought at all
- Remember, the typer you are the
easier it is for you to drunk your questions.
- Challenge everyone to prove
that an engine needs exhaust backpressure. To make sure you get an accurate
answer, be sure to include this memorable phrase: "Bull shit, come and stick it up my asshole".
- Egads! It's a mystery!
Bewilder us all with a real puzzle when changing one part doesn't magically fix
something (or everything) else. Take this example:
"... His cat was all clogged up and he
got that fixed, and i gave him my old muffler to put on, and he still is gettin
9 mpg. what the f???? i dont understand what could be
- Need an answer quick? Post your
question without searching but be sure to let eveyone answering just how vast
your knowledge is and how little they think they know. (Ironic, considering
you're the one axtin' a question...) No matter what, argue until people stop
posting responses - that's how you know you're smarter than us. "Yeah ok what ever.
So do you have the info on the part I need?? I have a clue I dont just spout
off junk like some. I have been to my local shops
and they are not sure of the correct part. I want to make sure I get the
correct one. Do you have any usefull info on this
or just more crap I am not interested in? "
Management 101: Sometimes a picture is worth a thousand words... Post some
pics of your rig on a pile of rocks in your backyard with your girlfriend
standing next to it. Before posting - First forget that the internet is LOADED
with people just waiting to compare your rig to a $10,000,000 rock buggy and
your girlfriend to either a farm animal or this month's playmate... with no
in-between. Then - (after the games begin...) post the following unedited
reaction when people start pokin' fun at ya and dissin' your ride...
FUCKING THREAD FUCKERS !!! xjay 96 you are close.... baja you are a fucking
asshole and va is not that far of a drive..... the rest of you fuckers should
wake up dead tomorrow.... the fag with the stock cherokee telling me about
breaking a shaft should wake the fuck up...... your jeep is fucking stock
man...... you sont know whre i wheel... at...... you so not know shit......
stay the fuck out of my life assholes..... like your whore mothers told you as
a child... if you do not have something nice to say then do not say nothing....
i will not stand here and hear you talk smack about my girlfrined....... you
might talk shit on the net.... bet ill bet you are all beating you r little
dicks off to a porn site...... grow the fuck up or come here and we we will
settle this...... ps./..... have jeep willing to travel fuck you
- When someone mentions that vehicle
emissions requirements are not the all-important social issue that those
nut-job enviromental groups claim it to be... You should just overlook the
facts and show everyone how on top of things ya are with the ultimate comeback:
"you're a G.W. Bush
supporter arent you?"
Don't let that knee-jerk knock ya
out. (See #33)
- Be sure to argue with anyone
who posts a response based on first hand knowledge, especially when it
contradicts an opinion you reached via osmosis. This is especially effective
when you correct a police officer regarding what he can or cannot do during a
traffic stop. From a post regarding a
cop's ability to write tickets for improper headlights."Is any
random dumbass police officer going to know the difference? I doubt it. They
couldn't just give you a ticket because they look brighter."
Response by a police officer
who was on same forum. "Hell, We can give you a ticket if one light
looks brighter than the other. ARTICLE 9 Section 375 Paragraph 2 "1. at least
two lighted head lamps on the front, one on each side, having light sources of
equal power" Guess I'm just not a random dumbass police officer. - Scott"
" But if they're both equally
bright you'd have a hard time giving a ticket beause they're "too bright",
since there's no established level for that and police officers don't cary
I'll bet that cop was stunned to know
he'd been doing his job wrong and using imaginary equipment... Be sure to
correct every officer who pulls you over, whatever the reason! They truely
appreciate you taking time from your busy schedule to correct any stupid ideas
they might have had. Be sure to shout your instructions to them LOUDLY - those
sirens make them almost totally deaf. Be sure to ask them if they're a "Random
Dumbass Police Officer" for a special treat given out only to a select few.
(Be sure to offer them a donut too.)
- Almost like a comic book
super-hero; the ultimate arbiter of "serious" knowledge uses his internet
super-powers to keep mere mortals safe from misinformation spread by his
arch-nemesis - "Chilton's Manual Man".
I agree.... get it towed, your in for more
than you think..... Fatty, you need to go suck on a fatty... people like you
that post comments liek that in a serious thread need to be bitched slapped
daily... Look! On the net! On a thread!.... It's "Haynes Manual
Man"!!! Up! Up! Up & awayyyyyyy!
- Read about this guy's
problem with mice in his Jeep and the helpful answer that ultimately
Mice Problem....Please Help!!
"Just this week I found a mouse crawling in my Jeep on
the way to work. That night I set up traps, and got a mouse the next morning. I
got another one the next night....and then two this morning! A total of four
mice in three days! I have searched my Jeep for any obvious problems,
entrances, or nests, but I have been unable to find anything. Is anyone aware
of any problems with 97 Cherokees...or any Cherokee in general that would allow
mice in my Jeep? I live in the northwoods without a garage, but I would like to
believe that my Jeep would still be able to stay mouse free. Please write back
with any help or suggestions."
people responded that he should set traps, etc. but the ultimate answer came
Now how do you argue
- Remember that everyone on the planet
has a "MicroSoft Magic 8-Ball" keyboard which gives us all that information
you're too lazy to go outside and see for yourself. Sure, none of us are
anywhere near your Jeep but who would expect YOU to get dirty crawling under
your rig to describe the problem?
"I have an oil leak coming
from about the level of the front tires maybe about midway in between. Not sure
where it's coming from..... Thanks for any help".
Is this some form of automotive political correctness?
After all, the only way to avoid offending a place that might not be leaking is
to avoid describing ANYTHING about the area that actually is! At last! Outcome
Based Oil Leaks!
- Use this guy's example and you'll be
able to change your exhaust manifold AND start your barbeque all
in one easy step!:"The only thing I can think of is when I torched the old
bolts off of the stock exhaust manifold, for some reason at one point the fuel
line spurt gas out of it for no apparent
- Hey! What are you morons doing? If
someone asks a simple question in the morning and you still haven't answered it
by the same afternoon then you are just plain WORTHLESS! Just what is it with
you people?! What are you doing leaving your computer and going outside on a
Saturday?! Don't you know this guy could have a question he needs answered AT
ANY MOMENT!??! "g**d damn, you guys are worthless. I'm not asking anymore
questions on this forum."
- Boy Scouts aren't the only people
who can be trustworthy and helpful! Take this example where our latest 'scout'
earns his Internet Engine Miss-Diagnosis (A pun, get it?
Badge by "answering" a question someone asked about engine
timing:"I read a
thread the other day that led me to belive that there was some sensor or
something... ...that caused this... ...Maybe someone will chime in with that
information as I know nothing about it really."
- Low on gas and don't know why???
First ya gotta ask something like this:
" ...just picked up a 99 XJ Sport recently
can't find anything in the owners manual about fuel capacity, low fuel light
came on it took 16.2 gal, I figured it would have a 20 gal tank but don't think
so. Anyone know?? Thanks"
several people chimed in on what their tanks would hold AND some even gave the
'official' factory 20.2 gallon tank capacity specs... that wasn't quite
"Got the book out again, scoured it, nothing that says fuel
capacity..." "...Under guages it says when low fuel light comes on you have
approx 2.5 gal left...." "... It probably is 20 and they are lying about the
2.5 gals after the light comes on so you don't run it out. I still wanna know
Evidently; if tank capacity isn't listed in
micro-ounces and each tank calibrated with an electron microscope then the
listed capacity is useless. After continuing to ponder and ask what the
capacity was (at the atomic level) one person finally responded to the "I
still wanna know for sure" post by saying:
"read all the
Ooops! Don't EVER
state the obvious when it's obvious that the 2 zillion prior answers have not
actually sent their gas tanks off to be calibrated at a mil-spec calibrations
lab! The original poster responded with this little gem:
"Well... ... Im not some punk assed kid
that believes everything that is said to me, just because someone decides to
say it. If you READ the posts, there are some folks that are experiencing sub
20 gal fills after running OUT. The owners book said the reserve is 2.5 gal,
the light comes on it takes 16 gal, that adds up to about 18.5 gal. My 96
seemed to hold more fuel. Thought someone might have some literature on a 99.
And buy the way....get a haircut'
Yes, just as Samson
"fuelishly" lost his strength through Delilah giving him a haircut, this post
is proof that no one can know their gas tank's capacity without seeing a
Classic Thread Worthy of the List???Contact Me Here.
Don't send me copied text - just a link to the actual
For those who aren't on the list! "-try harder-"
who are..... Yes, I am a smart ass.